British Columbia Family Law Blog

Set out a schedule for the children as far in advance as possible. This way both the children and the parents can make plans around the designated access times. Children are generally off from school and this is a prime time for bonding with their friends. If the child knows where they are going to be and for how long, they can make arrangements and not feel 'caught up' in the shuffle from home to home. The same holds true for the parents, who also need the time and space to enjoy the holidays for themselves. The more sure the plan, the less last minute confusion, stress and fighting there will be.

For those who have not had to deal with shared custody situations in previous Christmas', there are several access arrangements which may work for. One of the more common schedules is for one parent to have the child for Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning until noon and then for the other parent to have the child for the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day. For those of us with a French Canadian heritage, it is Christmas Eve which is the more important time for Christmas Celebration. Here it may be more appropriate for the child to spend Christmas Eve with one parent and then Christmas Morning with the other. These means a little more planning and work for the parents involved, but how many children have had Santa show up to take them to mom or dad's house on Christmas Morning? There are creative ways of making things less traumatic for the children during this time and parents should be encouraged to work together in this regard. It is the children who should be the focus in all of this as we all know.

For some separated parents, the least stressful means of effecting access is to simply total up the amount of vacation time that the child has and divide it equally between both parents. This keeps contact between the separated parents at a minimum, but it does mean that the child will have Christmas Day with one parent only. To counteract that fact, a separate 'Christmas Day' can be set up by the other parent, which often works. The same celebrations, dinners and music can occur, just on a different physical day. If you can get extended family involved, this can be an excellent addition to the whole holiday season. Another suggestion would be having an 'event day' for the child, such as a horse-drawn sled ride, or something in that genre which will be just as memorable for the child.

For those separated parents who are not able to work together or where the break up is fresh and raw, this is also a great time to get the extended family involved. Grandma, Grandpa, aunts and uncles are all usually around for the holidays. It is often easier for these parties to remain less emotionally detached from the situations and assist in getting the children from one parent to the other without there being confrontation.

Parents should not try to 'out do' each other at Christmas. Gifts and money do not ever equate to love. By all means, make your child's Christmas the best it can be, but remember, this is not a competition between parents as to who can give the bigger gift. First, this pattern is something which the Court's look very down upon. Second, consider whether this is a pattern that you want to set up with your children. It is a practice that can seriously distort a child's views and values on love both now and into the future.

Always allow the child to express their feelings about what is happening at Christmas. The older children become the more vocal they will be about their feelings and where they want to be. This is an important factor because the child's mood can often dictate the success of the day. Parents should express their feelings as well, but only about being with the child, nothing about the other parent. While the child's 'wants' may not always be able to be accommodated, the most important factor is that they feel heard and acknowledged nonetheless.

For separated parents who live in different cities, make travel arrangements as far in advance as possible and always count on delays. It is the holiday season and everyone is trying to get somewhere, which means all of us end up running behind schedule. If you are travelling with the child, provide a reasonable range for arrival times. If you are sending the child by bus or plane, then make sure that the person receiving the child at the other end can be there early and is prepared to wait around if need be. Also make sure that if there is not a parent at both ends that it is someone who the child is very familiar with. It is also good to provide to the staff on the bus or plane with all the information about the child in a concise written note, with several contact numbers on either end.

As stated above, this is the season of hustle and bustle. So an important thing for separated parents to have during this season is a little extra patience, with their children and with the other parent. Consider whether the issue is worth fighting over in the grand scheme of things. Have a benevolent spirit in line with the holiday. It is not always easy, but worth it in order to provide the children and yourself with a less stressful Christmas.

Make the holiday as normal as possible for the child and for yourself. Traditions are a wonderful thing at Christmas and they should be carried on as much as possible. Or if not possible, start a new tradition. Children follow the flow of their parents, the more creative and happy the parent, the more creative and happy the child.

There is no doubt that Christmas can be difficult in a separated parenting situation. However, being creative and having patience can go a long way to making it better for everyone involved.